we like how it is in fresno.

last night, as i was wandering the streets of fresno. i realized how many faces it has.

around my neighborhood, its your typical suburbia and then you go down blackstone, and its a freakin' car show.

i have never seen so many popos, gangstas, mexicans with their pimpin' cars and hos.

loves it.

way into deep.

finals week got my mind, spirit, and soul. its only finals week when the distractions are gone. there's no parties to attend to, no meetings to plan, no events to hold, nothing distracts us except for the occasional facebook checkup and ims galore. its the one week during the quarter when people can reflect on what happened the past ten weeks.

there's a burden hidden deep inside my heart. a secret that can't be escape until ten years later. a constant struggle that i have to face every single day. many may say that it can get me stronger but its only getting me too vulnerable. i did not let it phase me before but lately, the voices inside my heart and head are getting too loud. maybe its because its finals week. maybe because my heart is getting stronger than my head. whatever the reason why i have this burden, i just want it off. i just want to let it go. i want to be able to breathe. i want to numb myself from this situation but thats not an option i want to choose everyday. i want to surpass this because in all honesty, i can't live like this anymore.

there is nothing attractive at this situation at all. sometimes i hate myself for it. how is it that feelings can get me like this? how is it the only solution will hurt more than the situation? it's a reality that i face when i'm grounded. it's a reality that fucking rips my heart apart into a million pieces and the only way to put it back together is the secret that lies within.

i don't know when i will be able to wake up in the morning and not feel anything. i don't know when i will let go. if its not anytime soon, i don't know how i can carry this heavy heart of mine.