a day in history

i applied for graduation.

eek.

can't remember

i don't remember the last time i felt really secure about myself.
this new free spirit that i embodied gave me a sense of direction to nowhere.
i know where i want to end up but the journey there is quite blurry.
i'm not sure of what i will learn more about myself but right now, it is up in the air.


i'm not into other people because basically i'm not in a relationship with anyone but myself.
it's this surreal feeling that makes me want to love only myself and have this selfish persona yet care for others as if they were family.
i have this nonchalant, let's have the time of our lives, let loose, give into temptations, explore new feelings outlook in life.
however, i want to have that feeling back.
i want to know how it is to love someone and have them love you back.

all i want right now is "SI VIS AMARI, AMA"

i had it for at least 5 years of my life but i want it back.
i don't want the same person but i want someone now.
i want to know that i feel important to someone.
i want to know that i mean the world to someone.
i want to know that flashing my smile makes their day.
everything and in return.

but alas, i stay here, in my own little corner. listening to some emo songs on imeem to get some sort of satisfaction in life.
i go with my daily routine, never thinking of relationships and never day-dreaming of my beautiful stranger.

the funk that i am in right now needs to go because i can't feel sorry for myself.

all the complications that i have to deal with has to wait because honestly, i'm not taking life that seriously right now.
i don't care about what society think is necessary to live because i'm trying to figure out what the hell i'm doing.
i don't even make sense right now. i feel like a mess but i don't know how i ended up here. i thought i had everything in control but i got lost in the way.

i guess i'll just drown it with my studies and pretend that memorizing urea cycle will get me somewhere in life.

unicorn

Strangers. After a few more months/yrs...everything the two of you went thru will feel like a dream that may or may not have happened.

san dimas high school football rules

one step at a time.
that's all i need right now.
i'm finally over a lot of boys in my life.
searching.. no...
learning how to meet other boys.. yes!

when I fall in love (again)
I'll take my time
There's no need to hurry
when I'm making up my mind
You can turn off the SUN
but I'm still gonna shine
and I'll tell you why

its been over a month since i have been in fresno. i am so homesick right now. i just want to sit down in my big red couch while watching TFC with my mom. i want homemade food that taste bland because my parents are trying to get healthy. i want to play with my fatass dog as he tries to jump onto that green recliner my lolo used to sit on. i want to wake up to my mom's voice because its time to go to church. i want to play on my piano in the living room where no one really can hang out in. i want to see my high school friends and get in n out on the corner of nees and blackstone. i want to walk around riverpark and talk about how much fresno has changed. i would rather drive the 3.5 hours trip home than be here trying to study for a quiz.

inspiration

It's tough to work in community because a lot of times this means that you're not getting paid, everything is 'in kind,' and you're dealing with the positive stress for the sake of seeing something from beginning to end watching it all unfold before you, watching it take root and grow only to come back to learn it's gone deeper and further than you've ever imagined. All in the name of 2 words: NON PROFIT. That means a LOT of it, if not EVERYTHING, comes from your heart, your blood, your sweat, your tears.
- Tina Barlolong

at this point.

there goes another one. another one that could have been. i guess i'm not ready to be in a relationship or dating or even taking that step one into talking to someone. i'm in my comfort zone and i'm not ready to move on yet. i'm not ready to fully give my heart to someone because i know how much it hurts to be in a relationship, sometimes. i can not deal with the emotions and the heartache that comes along with being a boy. having too worry or not worry about trusting him. letting him into your heart and soul then realize that it was for nothing. i am way too scared to have anyone take my heart. i am way too insecure and unstable for having a guy come to my life and share all my experiences with. i guess that is what happens when you get out of a long-term relationship. you know all the trials and tribulations already, so doing it all over with another guy... yeah that's freaking scary as fuck. i don't need to tell a guy that i love him, i don't need a guy to let him hold me at night, i don't need a guy to tell me what to do. this is my mindset right now and i feel pretty okay with it. being single right now is the best time for me, i get to challenge myself because for the first time in a long time, i am pretty independent. i might need a hand here and there but overall, i feel okay to just be by myself. i feel okay not to have anyone to call to when i get out of class. i feel okay not to have taco loco dates. i feel okay not to go on dates. i'm okay.

i have been rebuilding myself for the past year and i believe that i'm finally letting go of the past. i'm not letting go of the experiences that i made, i'm just letting go. i'm through playing games. i'm just completely over it and doing things for myself, doing things by myself... its something new and different. it's something that i'm going to learn for the next year and i am up for the challenge.

we like how it is in fresno.

last night, as i was wandering the streets of fresno. i realized how many faces it has.

around my neighborhood, its your typical suburbia and then you go down blackstone, and its a freakin' car show.

i have never seen so many popos, gangstas, mexicans with their pimpin' cars and hos.

loves it.

way into deep.

finals week got my mind, spirit, and soul. its only finals week when the distractions are gone. there's no parties to attend to, no meetings to plan, no events to hold, nothing distracts us except for the occasional facebook checkup and ims galore. its the one week during the quarter when people can reflect on what happened the past ten weeks.

there's a burden hidden deep inside my heart. a secret that can't be escape until ten years later. a constant struggle that i have to face every single day. many may say that it can get me stronger but its only getting me too vulnerable. i did not let it phase me before but lately, the voices inside my heart and head are getting too loud. maybe its because its finals week. maybe because my heart is getting stronger than my head. whatever the reason why i have this burden, i just want it off. i just want to let it go. i want to be able to breathe. i want to numb myself from this situation but thats not an option i want to choose everyday. i want to surpass this because in all honesty, i can't live like this anymore.

there is nothing attractive at this situation at all. sometimes i hate myself for it. how is it that feelings can get me like this? how is it the only solution will hurt more than the situation? it's a reality that i face when i'm grounded. it's a reality that fucking rips my heart apart into a million pieces and the only way to put it back together is the secret that lies within.

i don't know when i will be able to wake up in the morning and not feel anything. i don't know when i will let go. if its not anytime soon, i don't know how i can carry this heavy heart of mine.

catty girls.

i'm not about them.

its time to go home.

searching...

but not really looking.

the 'i don't know' phase is over.

thank god.

And I thought of all the bad luck,
And the struggles we went through
And how I lost me and you lost you
What are these voices outside loves open door
Make us throw off our contentment
And beg for something more?
Im learning to live without you now
But I miss you sometimes
The more I know, the less I understand
All the things I thought I knew, Im learning again
Ive been tryin to get down
To the heart of the matter
But my will gets weak
And my thoughts seem to s c a t t e r
But I think its about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore

stop and stare

what do i do now? it seems to be the question i have been asking myself ever since my heart stop beating for him. don't get me wrong, i wouldn't change it for the world what i did but its that question... WHAT DO I DO NOW?

the answer i frequently tell myself is "i don't know." i made an excuse out of that phrase. it seems to fit me but i'm tired of telling myself that. i need to have a refreshing, new start but i feel like i would be running away.

--------

i'm a nice girl. plain and simple. i'm a freakin' nice girl. i disregard everything, all emotions and feelings, just to make sure that i don't ruin relationships with i have. i'm a nice girl. great. i'll never have the guts to jump to the other ladder.